Frustrated does not even begin to describe my current state of being. I feel trapped, suffocated, dying on the inside, and all the while not wanting to upset anyone if I choose to perform some self-care.
Like many introverts and like many people who deal with mental health issues, I tend to have only so much social interaction in me. I’ve unfortunately come to a point where I’ve expended myself all I can and right at the pinnacle of the holiday season. A time when you are expected to be around people and to do it cheerfully lest you bring a dark cloud amongst those gathered. A time when you are expected to be around loved ones and friends.
And yet all I want, what I desperately need right now, is some isolation. I just want to be alone with myself and my thoughts. I don’t want to have to answer anyones messages or calls. I don’t want to meet up with people to exchange gifts. I don’t want to be around people, period.
But I keep doing it despite feeling myself die slowly on the inside and it’s because I don’t want people to think I don’t care about them. Because of course I do. I’m just having a bad mental health time.
This post doesn’t have a point. I’m just sharing my frustration between wanting to care for myself and put myself first versus not wanting to disappoint anyone.
How do you draw the line during this time? How do you put yourself first in a time of giving? I don’t know, but I hope I can figure it out.