Anxiety. That is all I’ve been feeling all week and unfortunately it’s anxiety that’s decided to attack the thing that makes me panic most, my stomach.
Over a week ago I ate something that had my stomach hurting and acting up in a way incredibly similar to what triggered my anxiety in the first place 5 years ago. My defenses were not ready for this as I’d become comfortable with my stomach and eating almost 2 years ago having conquered that anxiety and so my anxiety has become fixated on my stomach once again.
I’m scared to eat. I fear that anything I eat is going to get my stomach to act up and start ruining my life again the way it did 5 years ago. And the thing is I’m hungry, but the moment I grab something to eat my anxiety hits and my stomach is suddenly too anxious to accept any food. And on the off chance that it does, not shortly after it begins to do exactly what I feared it would do if I ate.
What I hate most is that I know that I’m causing all this discomfort myself. I know it’s my anxiety that’s causing the stomach noises, the gas, and the having to go to the restroom. I know exactly what’s happening and I can’t find a way to stop it. I manage to put it out of my mind for bits at a time when I’m busy at work or reading, but I’ve spent the majority of my time just obsessively thinking about this fear I have.
It is currently 6am as I write this. I can’t sleep. Haven’t been sleeping well ever since this anxiety began and I know that it’s also been affecting everything in my digestive system. It has also been giving me headaches that are beginning to get unbearable. I feel so powerless right now. The thing I feared most is happening. It’s back. I almost had a panic attack around 12am when I was trying to fall asleep and right now I’m terrified of something happening at work due to all this lack of sleep and food since I work a morning shift and won’t have time to grab something to eat and only have about two hours of sleep left.
I know that in the end I’ll beat this anxiety, but right now I just don’t know what to do. I don’t have a battle plan.
On the bright side, I luckily had this outlet in order to be able to vent. It’s a small comfort in the grand scheme of things, but at least now I feel like I can go ahead and try and get some more sleep before I have to get up to go to work.
I hope you’re all having a better week than me. I now leave you with these parting words, anxiety is a bitch and also I didn’t proofread this so I’m sorry if there’s any misspelled words and whatnot. It’s too early to be doing that.