Me, a trainwreck.

I have a problem. A really big problem.

I have this tendency to come up with projects that I want to do, goals I want to achieve, or just fun things I’d like to try and then when the time comes to finally DO the thing, I crash.

I go through this period of time where I plan, write notes, do my research, and I know how I want to do things and then when the time comes I just choke. For lack of a better word.

I’m Rachel Berry forgetting the words to Don’t Rain on my Parade at her NYADA audition. I’m Gabriella Montez not being able to sing Breaking Free during the first go, except I don’t have Troy Bolton out here holding my hand and being like, “girl, you got this. I’m here.” Which wouldn’t do me any good because then I’d be like, “omg it’s zac efron” and proceed to choke anyway. I feel like I got off topic, but the point I’m trying to make is that I freeze whenever I go ahead and try and do the thing I’ve been spending large amounts of time on.

Take this blog for instance. I’ve had it for a good three years now and how many blog posts have I made? SEVEN. In three years, I’ve made 7 posts! What have I been doing?? Making hORCRUXES??? And the worst part? They’re pretty much all from this year and to top it all off they’re not that consistent either! There’s so many things I want to do and want to write and create and then I just keep hitting this wall when the time comes and I don’t understand it.

I once had a booktube channel. Uploaded maybe 10 videos and then called it quits because I just somehow pulled an Elsa except I froze my brain instead of my home and then couldn’t find it in me to get rid of the ice and continue forward. I’ll stop with all these fictional character references. Maybe. But probably not.

I think part of it is the fear of failure. It’s reading or watching other content and then looking at mine and thinking, “Man I suck. I’ll never be as good as these other people.” And then not wanting to touch the thing I’m working on again until I can muster up some confidence and then it all begins again. It’s a vicious cycle that one.

I think the other part of it is my anxiety and depression keeping me from going out and doing the thing. Fear is a very strong emotion and fear mixed with anxiety is a trainwreck waiting to happen. And let’s not forget how depression will keep you from being productive for weeks on end until it goes on vacation for a few days and then comes back looking all tanned and with Disneyland souvenirs. That son of a bitch.

I guess what I want to say is that I have this problem and I don’t know exactly what to do to get rid of it. Or to at least diminish its power over me. It’s not like there’s a gauntlet out there that I can use to snap these feelings away, you know? Told you I was probably not going to stop with the references!! I blame it on my unstable mind.

So that’s what’s happening in my life right now and how I’m feeling a bit defeated creativity wise and now it’s here on my blog in rant form because I was too lazy to write it all down in my journal.

Although it’s weird, this post really seems to have flowed out of me unexpectedly much like that piece of Voldemort that attached itself to Harry. Which reminds me, I’ve got to check up on my Hogwarts Mystery game.

I leave you all with that. Does anyone else have this really frustrating problem? I mean, I know that of course there’s people out there who are going through the same thing, but I just wanted to ask. Felt weird ending the post without the question and now I’m not sure how to end this. Dammit. Okay, well bye! Ugh that sounds even worse than the question.

So…Thor Ragnarok. Am I right? *insert suggestive emoji*

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